Adventure Submission - Darga's Missing Cargo

Homebrew & House Rules
#21

I combed through the first ten pages this time, but 1-6 were pretty light work.

Mechanics
  • Page 9: Having an NPC attempt a Social Skill check against PCs is a rather fraught subject, and I’ve never seen it done in an official work (though I may be forgetting or unaware of something). While I certainly agree that NPCs should get the opportunity to attempt checks against players, not everyone sees it that way and some never take that approach.
    I’m not sure how to better handle that situation, however, in no small part because that’s how I would handle it. One option is to flip it around. Ask the PCs how they want to initiate the conversation, then call for an appropriate social skill check (e.g. Leadership), and use Threat or Despair to seed false information.
  • You don’t give the PCs any advantage for having talked with Darga (“he didn’t tell us we’d find you here”). Not necessary that you do, just something to consider.
Adventure
  • Page 6: You never describe Shass at all, even though you detail the previous two characters (“male Neimoidian” “female Neimoidian”).
  • Page 10: The map is very, very rough. I think you’re better off without it. It isn’t really needed, and the description I give in my rewrite is pretty clear. If a GM thinks he needs a map, I think you’d be best off letting him draw up his own map. One of the drawbacks of using a map for this kind of thing is that if you aren’t extremely good (or extremely vague, which works well for very large maps), you’ll tend to limit what can be imagined by the players rather than assisting or expanding their imagination. It also doesn’t reflect well on the product as a whole, because quite frankly it’s very sloppy.
Grammar et al
  • Page 2: “population are” is incorrect (“population” is singular). Better phrasing for that really would be “population lives.” While you used “live” and its variants too many times previously, you didn’t need to remove it entirely.
  • “Military presence” is fine, as long as it’s what you mean. “Empire” or “Imperial” includes more than just the military (bureaucrats, politicians, police), while “military” is just that: the military.
  • “Adventure Summary” paragraph two has two periods at the end. Should either be one or three, and I’d recommend one since it isn’t the final paragraph.
  • Page 3: “Centralized” (…in the bridge cities) is American English, so you might want to change that to “centralised” (likely you simply copied what I wrote).
  • “It’s bridge” should be “its bridge” (“it’s” is a contraction of “it is”)
  • Page 5: “Having already met Darga the day before.” I’d recommend either “having already met Darga—” or “having met Darga the day before—” As written, it effectively says that on the previous day, they already met him (e.g. “I already ate today”), rather than what you mean which is that they met him for the first time the previous day. While it would be understood, it isn’t good technically.
  • “(and more nearby)” to “(with more nearby).” It reads more smoothly and eliminates a repetition of “and.” I can’t cite a precise rule, not off the top of my head, but “with” makes more sense for the parenthetical statement here.
  • “has gone missing” again, should be “went”
  • “gets annoyed at” could be “is annoyed by.” I prefer the second, but I can’t tell you the first is wrong.
  • “gives them [BOOST].” I’d add “on social checks” to the end of that, just to make it clear. You have enough space that it shouldn’t wrap onto another line.
  • FYI, the “line” issue I was talking about was a zoom error on my end.
  • “Like most criminals” is fine, but modifies too much. Thus, you’re saying that most criminals wish the party to find the truth. I’d recommend “stolen, and like most criminals, he has many enemies; he wants the party to get to the truth.”
  • “Check” shouldn’t be capitalized.
  • Shortening the name to “Zarra’s Imports and Exports” is a good move.
  • The font size of “A successful Average Negotiation check” is abnormal.
  • “Survival” should be capitalized.
  • Page 7: Formatting is crammed, overlapping text boxes. Is this unique to me, or are you seeing the same thing? If it’s a problem in the original, it’ll be plainly visible.
  • “unfold” is unclear. My mistake, when I was originally writing it I didn’t realize it could be read as “before you unfold” like “before you unfold the map.” Try “As you look away, you see vast grasslands unfolding before you, passing in a blur as the speeder skims just a meter off the ground,” or something similar.
  • “Three hyphen- hour-long”
  • Looks like an extraneous space before “is,” it’s indented.
  • “For each net…” paragraph. Extraneous spaces following two sentences.
    Episode Two:
    Page 8: “The party arrives at the farm while local hustlers are attempting to extort the farmers.” The extra adjectives for the farmers can be safely dropped for this, particularly as it’s already been established these are Darga’s slaves.
  • Rather than jumping straight to “if killed,” maybe add something along the lines of restitution for any intervention. Not in those words, but to get the effect that he may be looking to punish/“fine” them for involving themselves at his expense.
  • “Your speeder slows to a stop” is extremely passive language. If it were automated with a particular destination such that the characters really are passive, it would be appropriate.
  • Unless “Darga’s Blue Guava Farm” is a proper noun, “blue guava farm” shouldn’t be capitalized. Fruit is only capitalized if it has something like a country’s name (e.g. “Barabel fruit,” but notice only the proper noun part is capitalized). If it is a proper noun, I’d suggest you try coming up with something more creative.
  • “Poorly hyphen- maintained.”
  • Generally, this paragraph could do with some rephrasing. It describes what you see, but not from where you see it. I’ll try rewriting the whole thing, see what you think:
My rewrite:

You spot the farm well before you reach it; the blue guava orchards stick out boldly in the otherwise flat, drab grassland. There’s a break in the wall of purple trees, a dirt road under a sign reading “[name of farm here].”

As you pass into the veritable forest of colorful fruit trees, you notice the ripe blue guava fruits hanging from delicate branches still clad in their purple leaves, and you see the water-distribution infrastructure running between the rows, but beyond all of this, you catch a glimpse of a poorly-maintained house, as drab as the grasslands on which it was built.

The dirt road turns and would bring you right up to the house, but a large speeder truck is blocking the road. A male human is loading large cargo crates into the back while two other men lounge against the side, seemingly uninterested in helping the man struggling under the weight what you guess must be fruit.

A female human just off the road is frantically picking fruit and loading it into another crate nearby, and looking past the speeder truck you can make out a group of people around a water well, a massive Trandoshan and three rough-looking individuals.

  • Page 9: “Allow the leader…” I’d recommend just saying “call for the party to make a Perception check.” Perhaps add something about “as they get out of the speeder” or whatever (so they can see around the truck better). Note that you made the difficulty die pink by mistake. Also what’s the source of the upgrade? It doesn’t have to be stated, but if I know why it’s there I can better advise you.
  • “Blaster Carbines and Rifles” shouldn’t be capitalized, they aren’t proper nouns. I know they’re the names of official items, but even still, don’t capitalize them. If you were writing a forum post and wanted to distinguish, it would make sense, but I don’t recommend it here.
  • Change “ones nearest” to “the two leaning on the truck.”
  • Say that they notice that the Trandoshan is holding a child soaked with water, and another man is on his knees. Perhaps this could be information granted even on a failure condition. I didn’t put it in the original text box since the speeder truck blocked it from sight.
  • Also mention that the woman off the road, the man loading crates, the boy, and the kneeling man are all dressed similarly, in worn clothes.
  • “Addresses the players”
  • Try “calls to” instead of “addresses” and “in his” instead of “in a”
  • You are inconsistent with the addition of extra hisses. I’d recommend minimizing the addition of hissing within words (“thessse”) because it looks weird and messes up how you’d read or say the word. Some, like “master” have a more pronounced “s” sound and you could get away with it. Hissing is also a kind of accent or emphasis, not just a compulsive tic, think about what they might choose to stress, and consider that some words (like “once”) might be stressed that way, but have no good way of “hissifying,” and what that means if you hissify every “s.” At any rate, reread through and see how to adjust.
  • “this may sound” should be “it may sound.”
  • “The Trandoshan knows nothing”
  • “business comma, requiring him to make another Deception check.”
  • “If at any point no comma” “…to his story comma, or start…”
  • “successful Opposed (pool) Charm, Deception…”
  • Change “take a few crates” to “take what they have” “take what they have already loaded”
  • Extraneous space after “leave.”
  • “credits offered.”
  • “Opposed Coercion check.”
  • Tactics: This whole section will need a rewrite based on the layout adjustments I proposed and if you remove the map like I suggest.
Points to consider
  • Trees can provide cover
  • The bad guys can take cover behind their truck, giving +2 Defense
  • Dropping the kid should be a maneuver, unless the Trandoshan has been dangling him over the well this entire time.
  • Besides the kid, there are two male farmers and the female farmer (maybe husband/brother or husband/father, if the distinctions become relevant).
  • Uninvolved NPCs can just act at the end of the round, no need to track their initiative if they aren’t participating in the combat.
  • I would not recommend the Trandoshan diving into the house immediately, especially if no one else does (though if they do, then go for it). I’d suggest that either he only go into the house when the PCs defeat some of his men or that he never retreat into the house.

Alright, I’m beat. I’ll do more when I get the chance. The statblocks definitely need to be cleaned up, hopefully to the point where we can fit them into the prose in the standard FFG style.

Other than that, I just need to comb through the questions.

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#22

I didn’t have time for much, but I finished out the episode:

Mechanics
  • Page 11: Soak should be 3, since 2 Brawn +1 Soak=3 Soak. (I think you took this from elsewhere, but these aren’t official statblocks so far as I’m aware)
  • No Job’s Worth This: “Add [SETBACK] to Fear checks, and add [BOOST] to Coercion checks targeting this character.”
  • The Trandoshan Hunter statblock can also be improved. One of the biggest suggestions I make is to simplify the difficulty to run the character by reducing the number of different dice pools, but this is actually pretty good in that regard.
  • Coercion and Deception need to be added, I’d recommend 1 rank each.
  • Willpower needs to be 3 to match your earlier check prescriptions.
  • This page really needs some formatting help, but that’ll require some templates (namely the Characteristic spread we’re used to seeing in official statblocks).
  • Adjusting the difficulty: Frankly, I have trouble justifying some of these changes (like adding goons). They weren’t expecting a physical confrontation, or not much of one, so while I can understand bringing seven guys (speaking of which, maybe add mention of a second speeder, or some bikes), ten would be a bit much. My suggestion is to remove this section entirely, leaving any modification to the GM. It isn’t supposed to be a high-end encounter anyway.
Grammar et al
  • Page 12: I’d recommend reordering the “harms” list, swapping “shot” with “mistreated.”
Rewrite

If the players were aggressive with the farmers, shot one of them (whether intentionally or not), or otherwise mistreated them, they are reluctant to help the party and a successful Average ([diff]) social skill check to convince them to cooperate.

[Editor’s note: I add “social skill” not only to shorten, but to provide the additional option of Leadership. Also, it isn’t necessary to add “successful” before every check. It’s usually implicit. After going through the whole adventure, that’s something we should review and examine in totality.]

  • “If a member… was attacked” means “by anyone,” not just the party. Is this intentional? It can work quite well, especially on a Despair with the reaction of “this is all your fault!” Maybe change it to “incapacitated” rather than just “attacked.”
  • “For each instance of collateral damage to the property, add [SETBACK].”
  • “Otherwise” is a good start, and you can then ignore the “defeated… convinced to leave” part since that’s implicit in the act here. Unless, of course, you were trying to cover for the contingency where the PCs ignore the slaves’ plight. In which case, I would recommend giving an actual listing for what happens if the PCs ignore it (unless that’s covered in the “otherwise mistreated” clause). I think this section could perhaps do with some reorganization, maybe we should discuss what you want to achieve.
  • “hard and how they”
  • “Most people leave them alone” has a different meaning that “people mostly,” one being “the majority of people” and the other being “people leave them alone the majority of the time.” Either is valid, take your pick.
  • “A relative” is very vague. If you make it specific (the mother’s father, for example) it will have more of an emotional impact, give the GM more RP material to work with (“When I was a girl, my father…”), and help you anchor it in time, giving a better impression how long they’ve been slaves and whose fault it was. You also say “born into,” which implies a pretty significant time. One has to wonder what someone could do to indebt himself by that much money.
  • “They are members of a swoop gang called ‘The Vipers,’ led by Kessra.”
  • Is this supposed to be for the GM to read aloud? Because that’s a break in style from where you had these questions previously. I suggest a similar approach here, where you describe the situation and leave any RP etc. up to the GM.
  • Because of this discrepancy, I can’t comment on the other answers until I know which way you intend to go.
  • “Why is this fruit” or “why are these fruits,” not “are these fruit.” Usually, when referring to a certain type of fruit, you would simply say “why is this fruit.”
  • You put a lot of stress on the bag, to the point where it sounds like “they’re given a bag.” Maybe “If the farmers were treated fairly by the party, they offer a bag of ten guava fruit as thanks,” or “if the party treated the farmers fairly, they are offered a bag of ten guava fruit as thanks.” Unless the bag is important in some ways, it can simply be identified as a “bag” with the details left to the PCs’ imaginations or the GM’s description.
  • Extraneous space after “thanks.”
  • "A guava fruit may be eaten to restore one strain, but each character may only benefit from this effect once per scene. Alternatively, it may be ground into a paste which adds [BOOST] to a single Medicine check (this does not stack with further uses).
  • “a successful Hard ([CHAL][CHAL][DIFF]) Negotiation check… …In its current condition, it is worth about 1,000 credits.”
    Page 5: Something I noticed scrolling back through that I’d missed yesterday. “Requires an Opposed ([diff]) Negotiation check.” For opposed checks, you can drop the dice pool and leave it at the text. However, there are good reasons to keep the dice pool and it’s really up to preference.
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#23

OK! I implemented most of the changes of the first post but still working on it.

As usual thank you for your suggestions and your attention to detail!

Page 9: Having an NPC attempt a Social Skill check against PCs is a rather fraught subject,

I have an idea for this to give the GM the option to flip it around to the PCs instead as you suggested, I just need to write it out.

You don’t give the PCs any advantage for having talked with Darga

This was on purpose; I think that the way the Trandoshan approached the conversation by saying he was the one who was surprised and they were the ones intruding would throw them for a loop. That being said, the players will likely automatically be suspicious and may bring it up in conversation.

Page 10: The map is very, very rough

I removed both of the maps (second one was towards the end); at the moment it leaves a big gap in those pages but I’ll re-arrange it later.

I really like your writeup of the boxed text for when they leave Zarra and arrive at the farms. Well done. I also though it interesting that you threw in the opportunity for a farm name. What do you think of Bitter Root Meadows? I thought I’d bold it in here since you and I both know that’s my thing ;).

I originally meant for all 3 men at the cargo speeder to be thugs, just that one of them was left alone to do all the hard work, showing how cruel they are even with their own. However, I really do like your idea of making that man part of the slave family, so let’s run with it. I may have to adjust the interaction during the meal and with Darga at the end a bit to include the second son :). As currently written, that will make a total of 5 thugs + the leader.

  • Page 9: “Allow the leader…” I’d recommend just saying “call for the party to make a Perception check.” Perhaps add something about “as they get out of the speeder” or whatever (so they can see around the truck better). Note that you made the difficulty die pink by mistake. Also what’s the source of the upgrade? It doesn’t have to be stated, but if I know why it’s there I can better advise you.

This was done in the spirit of being more flexible with the check difficulties; my reasoning here was that as they arrive there is alot of info they need to take in all at the same time, which divides their attention somewhat. Also if they were to seriously misinterpret what they see (Despair/Disadvantages), it could make for a more interesting interaction.

  • Page 11: Soak should be 3, since 2 Brawn +1 Soak=3 Soak. (I think you took this from elsewhere, but these aren’t official statblocks so far as I’m aware)

OK; on the subject of stat blocks, I pulled screenshots from Star Wars: Adversaries. Most of the stats there are referenced to official books, but the Hired Gun was a custom one made by D20 Radio.

I wanted to use more standard looking stat blocks but couldn’t find while writing the adventure. As I was writing this post I did find some and I think I may be able to use them. Work in progress; stay tuned!

I’ll confirm once this is all done

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#24

Make sure when you write it up that you correct a couple of my errors. It should say “beyond all this” (extraneous “of”) and “weight of what you guess.”

As for the name, “Bitter Root Meadows” is a fine name, but I’m not sure it’s best here. A “meadow” is “a tract of grassland used for pasture or serving as a hayfield.”

I’m short of suggestions right now, otherwise I’d give you some, but that name just doesn’t seem to go well with what you are naming.

I forgot that the Trandoshan Hunter was from CotR. The statblock itself is fine, but I don’t think it’s the best option for what you need. I’ll make a separate post with some alternate “official statblock” suggestions, on top of what I already suggested for adjusting the statblocks you added.

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#25

I forgot that the Trandoshan Hunter was from CotR. The statblock itself is fine, but I don’t think it’s the best option for what you need. I’ll make a separate post with some alternate “official statblock” suggestions, on top of what I already suggested for adjusting the statblocks you added.

Even though the statblock itself is OK, should I change the format to the standard one?

Doing it that way I’d also be able to adjust the numbers to my needs. I only picked it because it was the closest thing I could find to what I was looking for even though it wasn’t exactly right.

As for the name, “Bitter Root Meadows” is a fine name, but I’m not sure it’s best here.

Bitter Root Farms then?

#26

Yes, change the format to the standard format.

Why “Bitter Root”?

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#27

No particular reason other than I find it has an interesting ring to it =). Think I should change that as well?

#28

I don’t particularly care for it, but there’s nothing wrong with it. If you like it, go ahead and keep it. Maybe blue guava trees have bitter roots.

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#29

Yes, change the format to the standard format.

How’s this formatting-wise? I statted out the Trandoshan with a few changes.
Trandoshan Thug

#30

I’d give Brawl 2 and drop Cool. Other than that, it’s fine.

As for the formatting, I recommend just taking the Characteristics spread (plus Secondary Characteristics) and doing the rest with text (as per the standard style of official books; note that you aren’t making adversary cards). The picture is a good choice.

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#31

Checked the NPCs I was thinking of, and what you have there suits your purposes better, if imprecisely. There’s another Trandoshan (Mercenary) statblock, and it has some facets that are closer to what you want, but then has some others that aren’t quite there. Shifting the stats to your needed specs is your best bet.

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#32

Dropping the kid should be a maneuver, unless the Trandoshan has been dangling him over the well this entire time

My intent was that he would have been dangling the boy over the well during the conversation, and so could drop him as an incidental. I changed it though, because it is unrealistic.

I would not recommend the Trandoshan diving into the house immediately, especially if no one else does (though if they do, then go for it). I’d suggest that either he only go into the house when the PCs defeat some of his men or that he never retreat into the house.

I didn’t picture him actually going inside the house, but rather using it for cover. I changed it so he takes cover by the well instead.

The Trandoshan Hunter statblock can also be improved. One of the biggest suggestions I make is to simplify the difficulty to run the character by reducing the number of different dice pools, but this is actually pretty good in that regard.

I updated the stat blocks and added them to the document, written out mostly in text as suggested.

Is this supposed to be for the GM to read aloud? Because that’s a break in style from where you had these questions previously. I suggest a similar approach here, where you describe the situation and leave any RP etc. up to the GM.

I modified it to written for the GM instead.

You put a lot of stress on the bag,

The goal was mostly to point out the the bag was hand-made of poor material, reflecting that they don’t have much but that this is a meaningful gesture for them.

“a successful Hard ([CHAL][CHAL][DIFF]) Negotiation check… …In its current condition, it is worth about 1,000 credits.”

I had understood that checks with challenge dice don’t need to have their difficulty stated. Is that incorrect? What about the Negotiation check vs. Darga on page 5?

Thanks again for all your help. I think I’ve put all the changes in place.

Just a heads up that pages 18-19 are currently not fully reorganized; I am still working on the stats write-up for the Narglatch and deleted the second map, which created a gap.

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#33

Yes, that’s incorrect. The Negotiation check vs. Darga was an opposed check, thus it wouldn’t say a difficulty but might say “opposed.”

Something I ought to do is go back through and compare all of the ways you write out checks and make sure we set a uniform style.

Any further work on my end might have to wait a day or two.

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#34

Then it should probably be reworded to something along the lines of “bag of fruit. The bag is…”

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#35

Any further work on my end might have to wait a day or two.

There’s absolutely no rush sir! :)

#36

Yes, that’s incorrect. The Negotiation check vs. Darga was an opposed check, thus it wouldn’t say a difficulty but might say “opposed.”

I went through the entire document and adjusted all non-opposed rolls to state the difficulty (average, easy, etc.) regardless of if there are challenge dice or not, and I added “Opposed” before all opposed rolls.

I cleaned up the formatting a bit on the last few pages and statted out Darga using the same stats as Kaltho the Hutt from Jewel of Yahvin… I think they fit well with what I had in mind for him. The previous stat block was provided in Dawn of Defiance but I thought it was a bit clunky.

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#37

Dawn of Defiance… a conversion by someone else?

I’ll probably review again tomorrow.

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#38

Dawn of Defiance… a conversion by someone else?

Yes; the conversion was made by someone else and they created an adversary card for Darga. In this stat card there was no Negotiation skill and I didn’t like the feel of it… it was a bit confusing.

I realized today that they were using these stats:
Hutt Crime Lord

But that some of the skills were missing from the adversary card.

Finally, I decided to use this weaker version of a younger Hutt instead and statted it out in the document.
Kaltho the Hutt Crime Lord

Thanks!

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#39

That block looks just about perfect. The Negotiation skill is even exactly what I suggested!

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#40

I’m going to start with a section I haven’t reviewed and go back over the rest of it later. There are definitely things that need tweaking (or at least confirmation), but I’m going to focus on where I can make the most dramatic improvements.

There’s quite a lot to address, and several things on which I need your decision before I can continue.

Mechanics
  • Page 12: I’d recommend adding a Perception or Survival check here. Perhaps Average, with 2 Setback for it having been a few days since the accident (which makes one wonder, should it still be smoking? While thematic, it may be worthy of removal given the time that has passed). I’d say make it a “group check,” but I think that may be a technique I originated, rather than an officially-sanctioned roll type. Point is, single check, effectively just an assisted check (best of both). You you can just say “[skill] check,” as long as it isn’t implied that each character can attempt it separately.
  • Page 13: Why the upgrade? Upgrades really shouldn’t be this common. Also, I now see that you did have a check. However, it is extremely out of place. You have the GM describe the scene, including some rather important details (e.g. claw marks) before the check is made. What if they manage to flub it? The check is also not difficult enough, in my opinion, and the addition of Setback is not only appropriate, but gives Perception/Survival people a chance to use their Setback-removal talents.
Adventure
  • Page 12: Perhaps I missed something, but what if they didn’t receive directions or the lead? What happens then?
  • Page 13: Is it your intention that the players easily discover that the culprits were Narglatch, or is this supposed to be a surprise/“earned” information? I recommend that it be either a surprise or information earned through check results, and so if you agree I may have additional suggestions.
  • You don’t mention any corpses at the scene. If you leave some bodies, but with a couple people missing, it adds an additional wrinkle. Maybe they’re still alive! Maybe they were dragged off to the Narglatches’ lair, or maybe they were able to walk away under their own power. This also adds an additional hook to maintain the PCs’ interest and dissuade them from cutting their losses. I also have to question the logistics of the Narglatch shuttling four crates and multiple people back to their cave, at least insofar as they could do it without leaving very obvious signs such as blood trails.
    *Additionally, I doubt Narglatch would take live prey. Unlike the Wampa, which can simply pick up/drag a human, Narglatch are unlikely to be physically or intellectually capable of transporting live prey without killing it in the process.
  • Referencing a corpse that’s been at least partially eaten by wild animals can hint at dangerous wild animals without necessarily directly implicating them in the attack on the speeder. Especially if you remark that the eating appears to be more recent than the attack, or it’s by a different kind of animal (such as a vulture).
  • Speaking of which, if you do include corpses, you might want to add carrion (e.g. vultures) to the prose as they approach the cave. Circling carrion (or nearby carrion) is often a sign of something dead, and multiple rotting corpses would tend to attract a lot of such birds.
Grammar et al
  • Page 12: “pass by following” (I’d also swap the use of “using” and “following.” You follow instructions and use the roads)
  • “away by speeder”
  • The “secondary road” bit is awkward. “well-traveled back road” is clearer and more concise, if it conveys your intended meaning.
  • The mention of various noticeable features is somewhat at odds with the previous mental picture of open grasslands, while also being more factual and generic than evocative. Either this should be a different environment they’re entering, or it should have a consistent description with the trip too. Personally, I prefer the mental picture of the farm as an isolated splash of color on the otherwise drab grasslands, with distant mountains as a backdrop (speaking of which, we might want to go back and mention the mountains earlier in the story. They come out of nowhere here).
  • As written, the second paragraph is very clunky. It also references the mountain range as if it’s out of view from the start of the journey, but in plains or grasslands there’s nothing but the curvature of the planet to prevent you from seeing the mountains, and I doubt they’re far enough away for that to be a factor.
  • In the third paragraph, you mention smoke. But wouldn’t a column of smoke be visible from a fair distance? Why is it only mentioned now? And why do they notice the speeder before the smoke? Where is the wreck? Is it in the mountains, or before you get to the mountains?
  • At any rate, here’s how I’d rewrite the text, but beware I may… overdo the prose a bit. My writing sense is just in that kind of mood, so take it with a grain of salt:
Rewrite

Leaving the guava farm, you follow a well-traveled back road towards the distant orangey-red mountains, speeding over the trail of hard earth as the tall grass whips by, sometimes almost touching the sides of the speeder. The waves of grass on either side are only broken when the occasional animal pokes its head above the blades or dashes away, its quiet grasslands disturbed by the rush of the repulsorlifts.

As you approach the mountain range, the grass becomes thinner and the land more barren, with fewer broad-canopied trees breaking the monotony of the landscape. As this picturesque scenery fades away, the craggy mountains resolve themselves more soundly in your view, the shadowy mouth of the pass yawning unnervingly as a faint cloud of smoke wafts across its face.

Here, as the last of the grass dies away, overtaken by dust and rock, the road becomes the faintest of tracks, leading around the stone hill that obscures the pass, and as you turn the corner the cause of the smoke becomes clear: an overturned cargo skiff, wrecked against the rocks.

Okay. That out of the way…

  • “need to be closer” …to “better understand what happened here.”
  • “Even from a distance, it is obvious…” Change “wrecked” to “beyond repair.”
  • “there comma, but it is impossible to get an accurate count from this distance.”
  • “While they may want to approach cautiously, there is no immediate threat.” Or simply change “however” to “but.” I prefer the first option, but it’s really up to taste.
  • “Once within Short range, the players are able to review the scene more thoroughly.” (“players are” implies individual action, “group is” implies corporate action. Take your pick. If you add a check, the latter is more appropriate.)
  • Before I can really analyze this text box, you’ll have to make a decision about the suggested check. If you waive it, then only some minor adjustments will need to be made, but if you implement it, the text box will have to reflect the basic information, with specialized information being added later for the GM to translate into subsequent narration.
  • Page 13: Instead of “deal,” I recommend “job” or “mission.”
  • “When they stopped for”
  • Change to “(see “[section name]” on page 18)”
  • “ago, but escaped captivity and fled to the mountains.” (“were able to” is redundant. If they did, they were, otherwise they wouldn’t.)
  • “While they cannot manipulate the crates, they have the strength and determination to smash them open.”
  • “After the ambush, they damaged the speeder [I say skiff] beyond repair.” This sounds intentional. Why would they? If you meant it as incidental, then what were they doing that damaged it? If you mention earlier that it is beyond repair, as I recommend, then you can safely cut this whole sentence.
  • “Three crates’ repulsorlifts were activated during the struggle, and so were easily pushed into the creatures’ lair, joined by a fourth which as dragged along the ground.” (Note: this adds an excellent way to track the Narglatch. Perhaps noticed with the check I suggest.)
  • I can’t really address the various roll results until we’ve figured out what to do about check placement, “free” information, etc. Accordingly, I’m also postponing the Knowledge check.
  • “and instead cut their losses”
  • “However, they have only” (I don’t recommend giving such an explicit instruction to the GM in this case. Explain the likely consequence and leave the rest up to the GM.)
  • “survivors period. Darga will be less”
  • I get the idea from the picture that the Narglatches’ cavern may be the same one mentioned in your original description, which I omitted from my revision? I recommend that it remain omitted, as otherwise you place it very near the crash. I think you’d be better off having it be (somewhat) distant.
  • One meter (note “one” rather than “1”) is quite a small entrance. Not only would a fully-grown human struggle to pass through the gap, but a Narglatch would find it nearly impossible. Their head alone is liable to get stuck. When you compare a Narglatch to the Talz, foot to head seems to be a bit over two meters.
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