Disclaimer: I speak, write, and know American English. It is possible there are some style differences between British English and American English which I am unaware of because they go deeper than spelling. Accordingly, some things which seem obvious to me (“first floor”=“ground floor”) may be different for you (“first floor”=the floor above the “ground floor”).
I’m going to offer some suggestions on improving prose in addition to fixing errors. While I think the proposals would improve the product, they aren’t as essential and can be ignored safely.
General advice in writing, which has helped my own prose significantly, is to vary your word choice. If you repeat a single word, or even variations of that word, in close proximity, it often reads quite clumsily. Ex. “The residents still living there live their lives in pitiful residences” vs. “The remaining residents live out a meager existence in run-down hovels.” I’m being a bit extreme/silly to make my point, but you can see the difference.
Note on bolding: In prose, bold specific checks (e.g. “Average Negotiation check”), names of parts of the resource (e.g. “Finding Transportation”), and names of other resources (e.g. “Age of Rebellion Core Rulebook”). The occasional emphasis is also appropriate.
Do NOT bold non-specific checks (e.g. “Negotiation checks”), names (Shassa), or check results (e.g. “successful”).
Bolding names is something you do quite frequently, and I understand the draw. However, I would recommend against it. If you particularly desire to, only do it when specifically referring to the person/entity (no possessives) and I’d recommend only doing it the first time the person appears.
I may only mention this occasionally, so you’ll have to comb through yourself and edit the bolding.
You use Average difficulty checks with a single Setback three times. Like in writing, repetition isn’t very good. I’d advise you to try and shake it up, even if that means just making a check Easy and removing a Setback from another check. I think I’d suggest making the Survival navigation check Easy and removing the Setback from the Negotiation check.
If the Setback on the Survival check is supposed to reflect them being unfamiliar with the area, I would suggest mentioning that in some capacity (e.g. “If the party is unfamiliar with the area, add a Setback”). I don’t know the source of the Boost on the Survival check, but am suspicious that it comes from the Advantage option for speeder rental. If this is the case, it definitely should not be listed there.
Only issue is that you don’t ever specify how long the trip should take. Is an hour delay 50% or 10%? We have no idea what scale we’re working with here, unless I’m so tired that I somehow missed or forgot it.
Grammar et al
- Page 1: Extraneous space before colon.
- Page 2: Dawn of Defiance: I’m not entirely sure of how it should technically be formatted (you might be able to refer to the original publication), but I am sure there shouldn’t be a space before the colon. (This is a recurring theme. Check a local style guide or scroll through and fix them all)
- Extraneous space after “secret Imperial project.”
- Capitalize “Clone Wars”
- “Residents” by definition means that they are living there. “Remaining residents still living there live in” not only repeats the word “live” (in a different form) which is generally a no-no, but is redundant.
- Second column, first paragraph, capitalize “Imperial presence” or replace with “Empire’s presence” (see note on repetition, although this is a very minor case)
- Better word choice would perhaps be “isn’t very pronounced.” “That” implies comparison, and no comparison has been established.
- “Has gone” must be “went,” otherwise the tensing is out of alignment with “a few days ago.” “Has gone” is present tense, so it works when nothing contradicts it (i.e. “the food has gone missing” is correct on its own). I believe all that happened here was that it got overlooked for editing. If you take a phrase from the blurb and spot-search it, that’ll help you find the various appearances so you can resolve them all.
- “In the course of their investigation, they will also find out that some of Darga’s people are stealing from him, at the detriment of local farmers and the party will have a choice whether or not to do something about it.”
I’d reword to: “In the course of their investigation, they will discover that some of Darga’s people are stealing from him, to the detriment of local farmers. The party will have to decide whether or not to do something about it.” Hopefully that also helps it fit better.
- Page 3: Cato Neimoidia picture is much better.
- Standard style of those entries is to bold the “question” (sorry, can’t think of a better term) being “answered.” E.g. Trade Routes: Quellor Run (you can check the CRBs to see what I’m talking about)
- Page 4: The Star Wars logo is a little squished.
- Page 5: “Of which he has just been made aware.” Generally speaking, avoid ending sentences with prepositions. This revision also sounds more sophisticated and polished.
- “The mighty Darga…” Excellent, this is much better! Good job. The “bestow” line could be tweaked a little bit, e.g. “are to be bestowed,” “…ttion. He bestows upon you,” or “and bestows upon you…” But that aside, it sounds a lot more powerful and “Hutt-like” than it did.
- “the shipment, and” extraneous comma. I am quite guilty of extraneous commas, but that still is one. :P
- “steps of the missing crew”
- At the line of “the crates contain,” I’m seeing a weird line through the whole page, as if a couple pixel lines were cut out and the page was then compressed. I’m not sure if that’s just an error on my end or what, but something to check. Also, make sure your text in the two columns are aligned. Unless the line isn’t, it implies (on my end) that they are at slightly different heights.
- “taste comma, and medicinal properties” (Oxford comma)
- Extraneous space before “the answer is obvious” at the beginning of the line.
- Remove “a” before “[BOOST].” [BOOST] is proscriptive of a single die, so “a” is redundant.
- Page six: “expenses, comma but this will be deducted”
- “Trandoshans comma, and Quarren” (Quarren is plural without an “s”)
- According to FFG’s official style, the check should be written out as “successful Average ([DIFF][DIFF]) Perception or Streetwise check with [SETBACK]” (alphabetize the skills unless one is a harder check, in which case list it second regardless)
- “Neimoidian” should be upgraded. Simple rule of thumb, upgrade all species names (including “Human”). More complicated, upgrade those with a name deriving from a planet or location (e.g. “Mon Calamari” vs “quarren”). I, and most sources I’ve seen, prefer the first option.
- “Mood, adding [BOOST] to Negotiation checks targeting him.” (Only bold the skill and/or “check” when they refer to a specific check, not referring to “_ checks” in general)
- Change “for each [THREAT]” to “per net [THREAT]” (it also cuts out the repetition of “for”)
- “Friendly, female Neimoidian local…” This is a tricky one. The subject as written is “local” rather than “female Neimoidian,” which makes it a string of three adjectives prior to local and makes the punctuation of “female Neimoidian” confusing because it technically becomes two adjectives rather than an adjective-noun pairing (which would be a noun and thus couldn’t be an adjective for local). All that to say, I suggest “friendly local, a female Neimoidian named Leoma.”
- “While Leoma is present,” to preface “add [BOOST][BOOST]” rather than coming after. As mentioned previously, the skills should not be bolded since they aren’t referring to a specific check.
- “Unsuccessful” should not be bold, and there’s an extraneous space after the comma.
- “Shass at Zarra’s Imports and Exports” sounds like “Hi, I’m Mike at Generic Insurance Agency.” I think what you’re looking for would be “Shass-at-Zarra Import/Export Firm” or something to that effect. Then it could be referred to casually as “Shass-at-Zarra’s” or “Shass’s” depending on speaker preference.
- “Shass’” shouldn’t be bolded in the second line (at least because you aren’t directly referring to him). I’d also suggest “Shass’s,” although that may simply be preference. Both are valid, but I think “Shass’s” would be more common. It lends itself well to that pronunciation more than some do.
- This whole paragraph is phrased a bit awkwardly. One of the biggest issues is the use of the plural, which hamstrings you from the start. I’d recommend the following rewording: “After driving one of Shass’s speeders for about an hour, it makes loud exhaust noises and backfires, leaves a visible smoke trail, and its top speed is reduced by 2(1?) (to a minimum of 1). All of Shass’s speeders are prone to overheating and add an automatic [THREAT] to all skill checks made to operate them.” (“Relating to their use” is too broad, I think. Also, the bolding is unnecessary/out-of-place)
- The connection between wealthy clients and higher prices is left quite vague. I’d recommend rewriting it to either indicate that the prices are unfair (“overcharging wealthy clients”) or that the speeders are higher-class to begin with, and that’s why rentals cost more.
- Rephrase to “A successful Average ([DIFF][DIFF]) Negotiation check with [SETBACK] reduces…”
- “Unsuccessful” shouldn’t be bolded.
- “Per net [THREAT],” to bring it in line with my previous suggestion, and then change “generated” to “rolled.” Consistency is important.
- “Survival” shouldn’t be capitalized.
- “Read the following out loud:” shouldn’t be bold and can simply be “read the following:” (which also makes the colon more comfortably placed)
- I’m not entirely sure how to parse this text box. Are they “taking one last glance” before “traversing the grasslands” or before passing out of the grasslands? While I think I know what you mean, it is phrased very confusingly. I’d recommend the following restructuring:
“Taking one last glance at Zarra before leaving, you are struck again by its unique infrastructure: the entire city is suspended on a few bridges, architectural marvels which cradle the metropolis under arches of rock and high above the acidic sea. Before you unfold vast grasslands which pass in a blur as the speeder skims along just a meter off the ground.”
- “Planetary” should be in parentheses, and “Piloting (Planetary) check” shouldn’t be bolded.
- “an Average ([DIFF][DIFF]) Survival check with [SETBACK]” (See “Mechanics” re: Boost)
- Change “will all” to “each”
- Extraneous space after “[THREAT][THREAT],”
- “successful Average ([DIFF][DIFF]) Mechanics check to continue.”
Alright, I’m exhausted. That’s the first six pages. I’ll do more in the coming days.