[A treat for you all now, a peak into the fractured mind of Atelia, with the first of many blue books]
The Loreley. My ship. Scrapped like she was nothing.
Gone.
The one thing from my life I thought I might be able to recover. She had been our ticket off Tieos. The only thing I had taken off that skugg hole planet that wasn’t somehow tainted by what had happened there. I poured my heart and soul into her. She let me run. She let me fly. And now she was gone. No, not gone, taken. Taken, and destroyed, like everything else. Everything I worked for, everything I loved, everyone I loved… and now there was nothing left to save.
I should have killed him; Fildran.
Stars, how I hated him. Him and all the rest. That feeling when I had… done what I did. How I hated him. Wanted to hurt him the way he did me… but now? Now, I didn’t feel any different, in fact, I felt worse. It didn’t go anything like how I had imagined. Only… it did. Because I had imagined it over and over again. Imagined him trying to bargain with me, trying to barter for his life. Imagined him begging me for mercy. Imagined him telling me how much he had come to despise me, how much he had wanted me dead.
But there was none of that; only shock, and the babbling nonsense of a spice-addict. It didn’t go the way I had thought at all. I had expected more answers…
You should have killed him.
Sure, he was scared and surprised to see me, but I had expected him to understand why I was there, to realise the gravity of the situation; to confess. To apologise. I wanted more.
You should have killed him. It’s not too late, you know where he is… you can go back. Finish it.
But there was just panic, and excuses. Always excuses with him, nothing was ever his fault, ever since we were kids, he’d been a victim of circumstance, never taking ownership for his frack-ups. And I? I had always felt sorry for him, covered for him, taken the fall for him so many times. Because for all his flaws, he was still my friend; my family. I still believed there was more to him. And that I could always count on him when it mattered.
Pathetic.
But he continued to let me down in the most stupid of ways. He owed me everything. I took him with me when we left Tieos. I gave him a home, a job, more credits than he would have ever earnt on the farm. I gave him everything, and what did I get in return? He tried. He tried to persuade the others. Tried to defended me to Trask… All talk, no action. Typical Fildran. Always putting in half the effort he should.
Like you! You had your chance and didn’t take it!
I should have killed him and damn the consequences. But in the moment, it hadn’t been that easy. As though I didn’t really want it. Maybe it was Nawara being there. Yes, that was it. It was Nawara. That noise he made when I… when I had… and the look on his face. Plus, we were in the middle of a precinct. Yeah, it was too risky, too dangerous. And I didn’t wanna get blown away for Fildran. I was only getting started; plenty of traitors and scum to wade through before I was done. There… there wasn’t time. And that’s what I had wanted. To take my time… to make him suffer…
Now who’s offering up excuses…?
I didn’t know where it came from, or when it started. It was like having a conversation with a different version of myself. The woman I now saw in every reflective surface. The one who snarled and curled her lip at every conversation. The one who reached for her weapon at the slightest provocation. The one who had survived that crash. The one who had lived in that desert. The one who took that blind jump. The one who limped and clanked and hurt. The one who could… maim… and kill and not feel a thing… the one who could never go back… the one who… the one who…
Oh no…
Fire. Heat. Oppressive and urgent. My heart in my throat. Blood on my hands. Someone calling my name. Fildran? But I don’t even have my com anymore, because I’m THERE, I’m back THERE…the sirens wailing as the ship screams like a dying beast, falling and thrashing madly in its death throes, taking me with it, shredding me to pieces in its broken guts.
Fire, and heat, and raw metal all around me… bulkheads that all look the same, and that smell of burning skin that I can’t seem to get rid of… because it’s me! It’s me that’s burning… and… and that voice… that voice. Trask…!
‘It’s nothing personal.’
The sound of the blast door closing… I’m going to die. The world spins as my vision tunnels… I’m going to die here and I… Trask…
TRASK!
Oh frack, not again…
I felt the blood drain from my face, the cold night air suddenly shocking on my cheeks. Felt myself whimper in distress. I pulled my scarf up to my nose, hiding my face and brushing away the tears of panic. Well-practiced habits saved me as I mastered my breathing, clenching my fingernails hard into my palm and focussing on the pain and the feeling in my hand; the one that was still my own.
With all the rain and the Helia’s engines whining behind us the others might not have even noticed.
They walk at a distance. Keeping away from me. I can’t say I blame them.
They will betray you. Like before. Watch them; the droid and that Marshal.
The droid.
The droid I can handle. I don’t have to like him. But programming plays out in a predictable fashion.
But the Marshal.
Another washed-up spice-ridden nobody, who was probably somebody once. Like Fildran. Such a waste. Twitchy and unreliable…
Like us…
I almost laugh.
Reek-skugg. We’re nothing alike.