Adventure Submission - Darga's Missing Cargo

I’m working on the characters now, and how much backstory/established character traits do you want?

Would you rather them be completely blank slates beyond the mechanics (species being part and parcel of that), or should I write in backstory, character relationships, etc. from the get-go? My usual mode of operation is the latter, but I’m willing to abstain if you would prefer to work that out yourself.

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Would you rather them be completely blank slates beyond the mechanics (species being part and parcel of that), or should I write in backstory, character relationships, etc. from the get-go? My usual mode of operation is the latter, but I’m willing to abstain if you would prefer to work that out yourself

Feel free to flesh them out if that’s a thing you’d like to do :). It would give the playthrough more depth and help make it feel organic.

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I hope you’re doing well, I haven’t heard much from you in a while.

I’ve finished CharGen for all four characters, and worked out the backstories for everyone but the Diplomat character (because I find Diplomat-type characters usually incredibly boring), but this brought up a question: Who’s going to GM?

I had originally intended/expected that I would, but the subtext of your response makes me think that you may have had a different expectation.

I’m perfectly comfortable with either option, so I’ll gladly fulfill whichever role you would rather I do.

One reason to perhaps have me GM is that I’m quite experienced with GMing PbPs.

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Hi there chief!

I’ve just been working much more than usual and the family farm needed some TLC so I haven’t had much time this past little while… but I’m still around!

I’m hoping to tackle the last revisions next week.

Who’s going to GM?

Actually this whole time I thought the expectation was for me to GM… I hadn’t even considered you running it. That being said it probably would be better if you GM’ed it as that would be a more objective confirmation that the logic and sequence of events flows well as written.

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Glad you’re doing okay. Spending time with your family is far more important than this.

Sounds good. I’ll post the character info soon with instructions on how to make character sheets for the game, and work on setting up a server.

There’s actually a few things I’d forgotten to do with the characters, like set up a basic personality profile. The reason I’d asked you those questions about if I should write all that up was because my intention was always to supply you with the characters. xD

Of course, as the player you can change pretty much whatever you want, but I rather like what I’ve got and I hope you will too.

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There’s enough of it that rather than posting each profile here, I’ve simply compiled it into a doc.

The characters are all fully built, all you need to do is transpose the stats and information into SWSheets, the online character sheet resource I use.

If you need information on the equipment, check my equipment spreadsheets.

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Page 9: As you might expect, I question the upgrade on the Perception check. Without an obvious cause, or a specified expenditure for Despair, I think this is best left to the GM, if he wishes to spend a Destiny Point to upgrade the check’s difficulty.

Hmm… I guess we just missed this one when we downgraded most of my upgrades ;).

Page 17: You say “if either check fails and generates 3 Threat.” I recommend that the Threat condition only apply to the first check

Ok. I moved the text accordingly and modified it slightly to reflect this.

There is an issue with this entire encounter, which is that because the check is not required (which I think is the correct course of action), the event which can cause an encounter to happen (requiring checks to cross) is unlikely to occur, because the triggering event (Threat on a check) cannot happen!

I like having the room and the mechanics there… otherwise it feels like a wasted opportunity. Could we simply make it more likely the Narglatch attack here instead of area 3? Or actually stage it to happen here? The group would still need to continue exploring to find the remaining crates and crew members.

Then again, the entire party is likely to have crossed together by the time the Narglatch attack, but it would add a sense of added danger to have the crevice behind them.

  • Page 13: Since there’s also a blood trail, you could simply remove any mention of a crate being dragged. The effect is somewhat redundant, while taking up additional space.

That being said, it does suggest that the crates would be in the cave, which is added incentive to go inside :).

Page 2: “For GM’s Eyes Only” Is this supposed to be plural GMs, or singular GM? If singular, perhaps “the GM’s,” but if plural, then “GMs’” I could really go either way, but it ought to change to match one or the other.

At this point in the writing it could be either since any number of GM’s might end up reading the adventure, but I lean towards the singular in this case.

I sure am using analogies to human food a lot for someone who subsides of off fuel, oil, and water.

That’s alright, it is reminiscent of how our teachers used to do it ;)

Page 3: The black square around the picture of the planet is less than ideal. Can you edit the original picture to remove that box?

Hmm… it’s not my strength but I improved it.

  • Page 4: The “Star Wars” logo has the same problem as the picture of the planet, and in addition has the red spellcheck line below each word. You ought to be able to find a PNG of the logo on Google without too much difficulty.

OK! i’m up to here on post #86.

I’ll do more when I can!

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I like the idea, I’m just not sure it’s utilized well. I’m also not sure how to fix that.

I don’t want to shake up the structure of the adventure too much, but it might be good to simply minimize the discussion of mechanics. You could simply say “unless they’re in a hurry, no check is required” and then say “should someone fall, it counts as a fall from Short range” and leave the rest of the mechanics to the GM’s discretion.

Moving the combat here makes some practical sense, but narratively rather falls on its face- except… I have an idea.
Maybe they (or just one) do (does) engage here, but retreat quickly, falling back to the lair. Then they attack at the lair as originally discussed.

That has some issues though, as it takes away some of the punch of the later fight, and you run the risk of PCs on hot rolls dealing with the Narglatch before they’re “supposed to,” which brings up the narrative issue of story structure. The fight with the Narglatch should be the climax of the adventure, with scrounging in their lair and then leaving the caves being the clean-up, but if you move the big fight earlier, then the rest of the slog through the tunnels feels much less meaningful and is the kind of thing I might hand-wave at the end of a session.

The exception to this would be if the Narglatch escape, but then you have the issue of encounter duplication.

That’s fair. I still think the mention could be dropped, but it’s your call.

I recommend singular. You’re addressing the reader of the adventure. That said, there’s nothing wrong with the plural and it can certainly be justified in the context.

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I like the idea, I’m just not sure it’s utilized well. I’m also not sure how to fix that.

Sadly, I think you’re right. I had also thought of having only one Narglatch attack here but it likely wouldn’t survive even two rounds against a full party since the room is small enough for them to shoot regardless of what side they’re on.

Forcing a fight here just cheapens the climax of the next room, so after thinking about it for a bit I think the way to go is to cut out the mechanics and leave it to the GM to run as he sees fit.

The PCs don’t know they are not in immediate danger, so the GM could add tension with descriptions of almost slipping, seeing skulls in the crevice, etc. etc.

This makes these two pages much lighter, so I made the ravine’s picture bigger and moved some text around to even the sides out.

Page 3: The black square around the picture of the planet is less than ideal. Can you edit the original picture to remove that box?

Again not my strength but it should be better now. Should there be a comma after quickly or does it flow well as-is?

There are also some mysterious black splotches on the page. Three repeating sets of three on the left-hand side, and one solitary dash-shape on the right.

Those were on the original picture for whatever reason; I used a different base this time.

  • I’m not entirely satisfied with the “to bring them closer” clause. As written, it doesn’t feel like it fits with the previous sentence. Perhaps “so that they may move closer to”? Places this more as a stepping stone, a door they must open, a foothold they must gain, in order to actually pursue their true objective. (This is on at least two other pages as well)

I modified it as suggested on pages 1 and 4; the summary on page 2 was worded slightly differently so no adjustment was necessary. Was there anywhere else this needed to be changed?

“They are run by Darga’s slaves” is irrelevant to the question asked (“Where are they?”). I

Sure. Might as well remove it for now.

  • Why picking fruit “quietly”? The word can be dropped. If you wish to keep it, I would recommend placing it before “picking”

It was meant more as how someone would act when in fear, but was redundant with the next part of the sentence so I removed it. (“silently mouthing”)

  • I think the dice should either follow “Opposed” or “Deception,” but should certainly precede “check.” However, I am not confident in that and would advise you to compare to published adventures, if possible, to find an “official” style. Any changes will need to be applied in multiple locations.

I am now up to here in revisions from post #86

Hope you have a good weekend and I’ll pick up some more next week :)

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The word “quickly” in the title description could be removed entirely, but I think it is fine. No, no comma is necessary. I think a comma would needlessly slow down the sentence.

I don’t think so. Pretty sure that cover all of it.

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Opposed checks seem fairly rare in official modules but the format has the dice following Opposed. I’ll skim through the document to make sure it is uniform throughout.

Change “though” to “although” (optional, but I prefer it)


You say “potentially lethal,” but give no condition under which it is. Intentional? I’m fine leaving it up to the GM’s discretion, but am checking that you considered that.

This is taking straight out of the description for the item itself, but it is potentially lethal because it causes wound / strain damage and the farmers are quite weak to begin with.

Earlier, you say that some of Darga’s people are stealing from the slaves. Are the swoop gangers working for Darga, or is that description obsolete?

They are not, that will need to be changed. I’ll change it to “some people are stealing…” instead of “some of Darga’s people are stealing”

At first I thought they were because their leader (female) Kessra IS working for Darga but she’s doing that solo and the gang doesn’t know about it. By the same token, the gang stealing from the farm is her Lieutenant’s doing and she doesn’t know about that either… Tsk tsk.

In later “Areas,” you merge the two paragraphs for check modifiers into one. I would recommend unifying your style in that regard. Either keep the Boost and Setback modifiers separate here and change it elsewhere, or merge it here instead.

I am up to here on post #86 :slight_smile:

Progressing one step at a time!

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In later “Areas,” you merge the two paragraphs for check modifiers into one. I would recommend unifying your style in that regard. Either keep the Boost and Setback modifiers separate here and change it elsewhere, or merge it here instead.

Let’s merge it… into a super paragraph!! :slight_smile:

Page 16: Picture/textbox overlapping

Err… I’m not sure what you mean here. Where is it overlapping?

I know it was my recommendation, but I’m second-guessing the “short-range fall” rewording. Urg. I’m not sold on any of the other options either. spins propeller in annoyance
The main reason I don’t like it is because, well… I’m not really sure why. The problem with intuitive writing is that sometimes something just doesn’t sit right and you aren’t sure why. Perhaps my sister can bail me out… (perchance one or both of us forgot—if you’re reading this, we did)

At the moment this is the sentence:
“Should a character fall, it counts as a fall from Short range.”

I also think it isn’t quite right. Maybe…
“Should a character fall, they take damage as if falling from Short range”

Either way, the reader will get the picture.

Not a mistake, just spatial formatting, but see if you can choose a slightly shorter adjective than “concentrated” so that it fits up on the previous line. “Concentrated” is also an odd choice there because nothing “concentrates” the light that passes through the hole.

I think in this case I can just remove "concentrated altogether, since I use words like beam, piercing and shining, the strength of the light is apparent.

You say it “counts as a Critical Injury.” Is it your intention that it increase other crit rolls by +10? If so, that’s fine. If not, and you just mean that healing operates in a similar manner, then I recommend you remove any mention of “Critical Injury.”

I did intend it to be a critical injury.

Page 19: As a matter of spatial formatting, if you change “valuables” to “valuable items,” it ought to fit better on both lines. If it doesn’t, consider selecting a substitute for “valuables.”

It does fill out the middle sentence a bit better.

Page 21: Spiders bite, they don’t sting.

Facts. ;) Interesting fact that on the previously mentioned trips to the family farm, I got STUNG on the head by a wasp, and the following week on the wrist by another wasp. Not fun. I hadn’t been stung by one of those in almost 10 years.

OK! I think that is everything other than styling.

What now?

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The picture overlaps the textbox. Look at the text box’s lower left hand corner.

That’s good. The other one, saying “counts as,” is sort of like saying “You can call me… Joe Smith.”

Sounds good.

We could go ahead and get started on the PbP?
I need to read through the adventure again, double-check everything, and make notes regarding style, but all the meat is there.

I’m short of time lately, so I don’t know when I’ll be able to sit down and do it. However, working on the PbP (confirming characters/builds, converting to SWSheets, setting up the server, etc.) is much less time-consuming.

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[quote=“NGSRizzen, post:98, topic:970”]
Err… I’m not sure what you mean here. Where is it overlapping?
The picture overlaps the textbox. Look at the text box’s lower left hand corner.

Hmm… I still don’t see it. And this is on page 16? Can you screenshot it? Sorry :confused:

We could go ahead and get started on the PbP?

Sure! I’ll get started on transferring the data from the characters you made.

Just a few questions… where do we do dice rolls and how do we handle force points? I’m already signed up on RPGsessions, that’s what I’ve used when some of my guys are playing virtually.

I’ll take some time over the next few days to get familiar with the characters and their temperament and their equipment, etc.

Thanks again for doing a write up for all these.

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All integrated into the Discord server with the SkyJedi dicebot, D1-C3.

No problem. I look forward to this!

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Hmm… I don’t see that at all. This is what I see in the document:

I just refreshed the PDF upload and I see this on the PDF

Not sure why the display is off on your end. Maybe the PDF previewer is wonky in dropbox?

All integrated into the Discord server with the SkyJedi dicebot, D1-C3.

Roger that. So should we start a new thread for the playthrough or keep going here?

Edit: I created all 4 characters on SWSheets. I think I got everything on there.


look forward to this!

Me too! I’m usually the GM/DM so I don’t get to play very often. Should be interesting!

Oh, haha! That’s because you completely changed the layout.

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Sorry!! I was sure I had updated the PDF :p

The picture issue was from a previous version, and I hadn’t yet updated to the new one. I don’t update until we’re all the way done with a set of revisions, that way I have easy access to what I was critiquing.

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Alright, final run-through on the adventure, mechanics, and writing sides of things. Wasn’t much to cover there. Only thing left is to unify styles, and I gave some detailed suggestions below.

  • “Farmers go at the end of the round” can be dropped in favor of describing them as “not participating in the battle other than to take cover,” but it can safely be left as well. Up to your discretion.

All good here.

Grammar et al
  • Page 4: “Star Wars” logo is squished, star background looks good, text should use “justify” alignment.
  • Page 9 “All wearing similarly in worn clothes”
  • “Low lives” should be “low-lives”
  • The columns on page 9 are out of alignment. The right is higher than the left. Check this on other pages too, I won’t necessarily catch them all.
  • Page 10: In statblocks, there should be a period following any list (skills, equipment, etc.). This applies to all statblocks.
  • Ability descriptions go in parentheses, and do not use a colon. This applies to all statblocks.
  • As written, “attacks” is the subject of both the Threat and Despair sentences. That means that “it could” refers to “attacks.” I believe you intend the symbol to be the subject, in which case “Net Threat/Despair generated by attacks could”
    Otherwise, you need to correct subject-verb agreement.
  • When describing the Wound Thresholds etc., you use commas like it’s a list, which poses the boy’s Soak and Wound Threshold as separate items. (Note, these should not be capitalized). To correct, I suggest “4, while the boy has 1 soak and a wound threshold of 2”
  • Page 11: “To help them” uses a “them” contradictory to the immediately preceding “they,” so I recommend “to help the party,” instead. Additionally, consider changing “will require” to “it will take”
  • Is this reference to “see page 2” really necessary?
  • “Crates from them” should be “crates from the farmers.” While sometimes you can get away with contradictory repetition of identical pronouns (CRIP), it is generally best to avoid it.
  • Perhaps “They are usually left alone.” (“They are able to chase them away” is an acceptable CRIP)
  • Colon inconsistently stylized with the rest of the header.
  • Page 16: You can safely drop (or keep) the comma from “Area 1, as”
  • Check all text-boxes to make sure the header doesn’t clip into it (it does here)
  • Page 18: You use the singular neutral “he” in the first paragraph, then the colloquially singular neutral “their” in the second. The early FFG books used the singular neutral, but some later books used “they” and its alternative forms. I dislike the latter in formal writing, but it is common nowadays. Anyway, your choice. That’s also something to take a look at for style across the whole adventure.
  • Page 21: “Affects the entire group”


  • Headers
    • Standard style: Blue, caps lock, and a different font, bolded.
    • Current style: Red, underlined, inconsistent capitalization.
  • Pictures
    • Standard style: Touches at least two edges of a page, edges blurred, form-fit to text.
    • Current style: Varies dramatically.
  • Statblocks
    • Standard style: Line 1: name and class; line 2: description; line 3: characteristics (image, no background); line 4: secondary characteristics (image, NB); line 5: skills; line 6: talents; line 7: abilities; line 8: equipment.
    • Current style: Line 1: picture (image, background); line 2: name and class (image, B); line 3: characteristics (image, B); line 4: secondary characteristics (image, B). The rest matches.
  • Dice
    • To bold or not to bold?
  • References
    • Standard style: Bold references to chapters and books (titles ONLY, no subtitles, e.g., “core rulebook”), bold table and section names, do not bold or capitalize page references (spell out "page).
    • Current style: Bold all references, do not bold page references, intermittent underlining, inconsistent spelling of “page.”
  • Bolding
    • Bolding of symbols
      • Standard style: No.
      • Current style: Yes.
    • Bolding of proper nouns
      • Standard style: No.
      • Current style: Bolding of all, at least the first of each, including “meta” proper nouns (e.g., “Area 1”).
    • Bolding of internal references
      • Standard style: Chapter titles, table names, section names.
      • Current style: Mostly the same, but the hazard things need to be revisited.
  • Checks
    • Description presentation
      • Standard style: [Difficulty] ([Dice]) [Skill] check
      • Current style: Same, but needs confirmation.
    • Opposed presentation
      • Standard: No dice shown.
      • Current: Dice pools shown.
    • Success/failure condition descriptions
      • Not so much a “standard” thing as it is something you need to unify within the adventure. Commonly in official materials, notable effects are simply included in the same paragraph as the check.
    • Advantage/Threat condition descriptions
      • See above. (Specifically, consider “If X is generated,” vs. “If X is rolled,” vs. “If the check generates X,” etc.)
    • Triumph/Despair condition descriptions
      • See above.
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